The Llama That Knew Too Much
by RockSunner
Summary: What is the story behind one of the many crimes that prevented Stan Pines from becoming mayor? What was the deal with the llama? This story fills in the gaps. (Rated T for llamacide.)
1. Chapter 1

What is the story behind one of the many crimes that prevented Stan Pines from becoming mayor? What was the deal with the llama? This story fills in the gaps. All characters belong to Alex Hirsch, not me. (Rated T for llamacide.)

 **The Llama That Knew Too Much**

A pickup truck pulled up to the Mystery Shack, with a llama in the truck bed. The truck was marked "Northwest Properties."

A young boy was nailing down a loose board on the porch leading into the gift shop.

"Young man, is Mr. Stanford Pines here?" asked the driver. "We have a delivery for him."

"Yessir, I'll get Mr. Pines. My name's Soos. I'm his handyman."

Soos walked into the gift shop.

"Mr. Pines, a guy from Northwest Properties has something for you," said Soos.

"If it's a summons, stall them while I hide," said Stan Pines.

"I think it's a llama," said Soos.

Stan marched outside to talk to the driver. "I didn't order a llama. And my mortgage is paid up-to-date."

"I know," said the driver. "In fact, it's overpaid because of a computer error. In compensation, the company would like to offer you this fine llama."

"If you owe me, then just gimme the money," said Stan.

"If we do that, we'll have to report it to the IRS. But if you take the llama, any money you make with it will be yours to report or not as you choose."

"I like that second way of thinking," said Stan. "Gimme the llama."

As the man began unloading the animal, Stan called, "Soos, I need a pen, stat. We're opening a petting zoo!"

"A petting zoo, Mr. Pines?" asked Soos.

"Yeah, we'll give Farmer Sprott some competition, maybe even drive him out of business" said Stan. "Our wax museum income is starting to fall off already; I need a new attraction."

"Won't a petting zoo need, like, more animals to pet than just the llama?" asked Soos.

"Right. When you finish the pen grab that baby goat that's been hanging around here and put it in, too," said Stan.

"That's two." said Soos. "Any more?"

"There's the baby gorilla," said Stan.

"But we don't have a baby gorilla," said Soos.

"That's you in a gorilla suit," said Stan.

"Wow, Mr. Pines, I've always dreamed of being a gorilla," said Soos. "Ook, ook, ook."

"That's the spirit, kid," said Stan. "But deeper on the ook, ook, ook."

"Ook, ook, ook," said Soos in a deeper voice.

"Better," said Stan. "Work on it."

* * *

Later, the three new attractions were alone in the pen, and no tourists were around. The baby goat (Soos had dubbed him "Gompers"), lowered his head to the ground and wrote a message in the dust with his longer horn.

The llama walked over and read the message, "HELP! BILL CIPHER PUT ME IN THIS BODY. I HAVE TO WARN YOU. MY REAL NAME IS..."

That was all the goat had written so far. Before Soos could come over and read it, the llama pushed the smaller animal aside and wiped out the message with his right hoof.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Toward the end of the day, Stan checked in on the petting zoo. "How did it go, Soos?"

"Good, Mr. Pines," said Soos.

"Anyone try to rob from the donation box while I was in the gift shop, or out giving the tour of the grounds?"

"One dude did, but I moved up close and gave him a good 'Ook, ook, ook'. He backed off."

"Good work," said Stan. "How's the llama holding up?"

"That llama is strange. I can't tell if he's a happy llama or a sad llama, but he's definitely a mentally disturbed llama," said Soos. "He's always watching, with like this cold stare at everyone."

"I think that's normal for llamas," said Stan.

"If you say so, Mr. Pines," said Soos.

"How about the baby goat?" asked Stan.

"Gompers? He's just great. He's so cute, everyone loves to pet him, more than me and the llama combined," said Soos. "Just one funny thing."

"Yeah, what's that?" asked Stan.

"One kid who petted him started yelling he saw something strange when he looked in his eyes," said Soos. "His mama took him right back to the car."

"So?" said Stan. "Kids see imaginary things all the time."

"When I got a chance, I looked in his eyes myself. I saw something really funny, about a dunk tank and a futuristic laser arm cannon."

"What was it?"

"I don't remember now. Maybe it will come back to me someday if I ever see a dunk tank like that. It was, like, a vision of the future."

"A vision of the future, huh?" said Stan. "Let me see."

Stan went into the pen and looked into the eyes of the goat. He gave a start, and came back out quickly.

"What did you see?" Soos asked.

"A city burning, like an apocalypse is coming," said Stan. "Probably my imagination. I think I'll start buying and burying gold, just in case."

"One other funny thing today," said Soos. "Preston Northwest came into the petting zoo while you were out on a tour."

"That's strange. As far as I know he hates animals, and he hates mingling with the common folks even worse," said Stan.

"He went straight up to the llama and spent about fifteen minutes with it. It seemed like they were whispering together."

"Huh. Well, if he spends money here I guess that's all right," said Stan.

"I'd better head home to Abuelita now," said Soos. "Goodnight, Mr. Pines."

"Don't go home in the gorilla suit," said Stan. "Change back to regular clothes."

"Oh yeah," said Soos. "I guess this role is, like, growing on me. Ook ook ook."

* * *

Stan was about to go behind the vending machine as usual, when he had a strange sense of being watched. He spun around and caught some motion outside the side window out of the corner of his eye.

Stan went outside with a flashlight and looked around. Under the window were what looked like llama tracks. He went to the pen and found the llama inside and the gate latched.

Did Soos leave the gate open? He didn't think so. Disturbed, Stan decided to go to bed instead of going down to the portal room that night.

Back in the pen Gompers bleated in his sleep, having a bad dream.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

In the baby goat's dream, he was in a deserted Globnar arena. A panel opened in the floor and the Time Baby floated up.

"Time Baby, Sir," said Gompers in the dream. "I can explain..."

"Who are you?" said the Time Baby.

"You don't remember me?" said Gompers.

"Sorry, I don't have object permanence," said the Time Baby.

"What?" said Gompers.

The Time Baby's skin turned bright yellow and the hourglass on its head rotated into a bow tie. He morphed into a one-eyed triangle.

"Just kidding!" said Bill Cipher. "Of course I remember you, Fez Symbol! We made a deal."

"You cheated me," said Gompers. "You didn't give me what you promised."

"I did, too," said Bill. "Watch this flashback."

* * *

"Man, the sooner I defeat those kids in Globnar, the sooner I can win my time wish," said Blendin Blandin.

Blendin and the two Time Anomaly Removal Crew agents Lolph and Dundgren were in the backyard of a primitive dwelling of the past, looking for the escaped Globnar tributes Dipper and Mabel Pines.

"Tell you what I'd do if I had a time wish. Retire early. Spend more time with the kids," said Dundgren.

"Naing Niang Niang Niang Niang, with the kids!" said Blendin.

Dundgren tuned out as Blendin yammered on about time wishes. The world around him turned gray as he fell asleep on his feet.

"I can help you get that wish, in return for a small favor," said a small yellow triangle. "The name's Bill Cipher, and I'm a powerful dream demon. Come back to these space-time coordinates plus ten minutes (after you watch the Globnar game, of course) and we can do a deal."

The flashback cut forward to when Dundgren returned.

"You promised to fulfill my wish? I'm not sure I trust you. What do I have to do in return?

"It's simple for a time agent like you," said Bill. "Just change the symbol that appears on a hat from this..."

Bill displayed a crescent-shaped symbol.

"... to this."

Bill displayed a symbol like a fish, with a triangular mouth eating a round object.

"Just change a symbol?" asked Dundgren. "I won't even have to mess with events in time to do that. I can set up a quantum superposition of two parallel universes, one with the crescent symbol and one with the fish symbol, with me as the observer who can collapse the probability wave to one or the other."

"You don't have to explain this stuff to me," said Bill. "The universe is a hologram, yada yada."

"You know quantum physics?" asked Dundgren.

"I know lots of things," said Bill in s deeper voice, displaying a rapid succession of images.

Dundgren nodded. Most of the secrets were known in his time. He got out his quantum adjuster and entered the necessary transformations.

"Nothing has changed yet," Dundgren told Bill. "Nothing will happen until I touch an object that has the old symbol on it. Then the symbol will change wherever it appears, instantly, backwards and forwards in time."

"Do it, then. I know where you can find some bobble-heads with the symbol on them," said Bill.

"Not until I get my time wish," said Dundgren. "I don't quite trust you."

"No problemo," said Bill. "All we need now is for you to sneak into a secret hidden room in a building near here. Oh yeah, and take a baby goat in with you."

* * *

"That's when you tricked me," said Dundgren in Gompers. "When I rubbed my feet on the carpet in that room, the goat and I swapped bodies."

"That was how I granted your wish," said Bill. "You retired early, and you're spending time with the kids. That is, you're spending time with yourself as a kid goat. Hahahaha!"

"That's not what I meant!" said Dundgren.

"Gotta watch the wording of those wishes," said Bill.

"That was a dirty trick, demon. I passed out from the shock and woke up outside," said Dundgren.

"I popped into your old body temporarily. The goat didn't belong in there and he was willing to let me. Then I picked goat-you up, got you out of there, and slid the bookcase back into place," said Bill.

"Where is my body now?" Dundgren demanded.

"The goat is back in, keeping it warm for me until I need it again," said Bill. "It will be a useful piece in a game I'm playing. More than a pawn; it's a knight that can jump in time."

"You never wanted that symbol changed," said Dundgren. "It was all a trick to get my body!"

"I wanted the symbol changed, too," said Bill. "I can look out from any drawing of me, and the new symbol has me in sideways silhouette, with the dot as my eye. It will be handy to keep an eye on the doings of Stan Pines."

"You'll never get that change, because I'll never touch that symbol for you," said Dundgren.

"Take a look at Glasses' fez the next time he comes around. You'll touch the fez, sometime in the future when your mind has become more like a goat from living in a goat's body. The change has already spread forwards and backwards in time."

"Why do you call him Glasses?" asked Dundgren.

"I have a Ring of ten symbols, for people whose lives I'm messing with. They could possibly stop me taking over the world, but they won't since I'm too clever for them. I have a symbol for each one, based on something important to them. The Fez Symbol is you. The Glasses are a spare pair that belong to Stan's brother, who he's trying to get back from another dimension."

"Why aren't the Glasses the brother, then?" asked Dundgren.

"Because he already has a symbol that's more important to him, the Six-Fingered-Hand."

"You have this all worked out, don't you?" said Dundgren. "But I'll find a way to communicate with people and warn them about you."

"Not while the llama is there to stop you," said Bill.

"Why is the llama working for you? Are you possessing it, too?"

"He's the friend of a friend," said Bill.

The dream faded, and Gompers woke with a bleat.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Soos, I need you to stay overnight in the petting zoo pen and keep an eye on things for me," said Stan. "Someone let the llama out last night, and then put it back. They may try something again tonight."

"Abuelita won't like me staying out all night, Mr. Pines," said Soos.

"I'll square it with her," said Stan. "I'll give you double overtime pay."

"You don't pay me anything for overtime now," said Soos.

"Right, so I'll double that," said Stan.

"All right, that sounds good," said Soos.

"I need you to stay on watch and make sure nothing happens with the llama," said Stan.

"I'll watch it like a hawk," said Soos. "Like a hawk!"

* * *

Stan had entered the code on the vending machine and opened the secret door before he had a sense of being watched again. He looked over at the window and this time caught the llama looking in. It quickly withdrew its head from view.

Stan grabbed his revolver from behind the counter and put it in his pocket, in case he had to defend himself from the beast. Then he rushed out after it.

The llama was letting itself back in the pen. Soos was on the ground in the corner, fast asleep. The llama moved close to Soos.

"No touchy!" the llama said.

"A demon llama!" said Stan.

"Demon llama? Where?" said the llama, looking around. "I'm no demon."

"What are you,?" asked Stan.

"You'll never believe this, but I was once a rich emperor in South America. I got turned into a llama by a potion made by my evil adviser," said the llama.

"You're right, I don't believe it," said Stan. "I've been in South America and there are no rich emperors there, just rich drug lords. You got that plot from a Disney movie."

"Yeah, it all was a lie," said the llama. "I'm a bad llama."

"You were spying on me," said Stan. "Who are you working for?"

"I'm a genetically engineered super-smart llama made by Victor Northwest," said the llama.

"Don't you mean Preston Northwest?" asked Stan.

"His father Victor, the scientific genius. He secretly works on cloning experiments at the Northwest Mudflaps factory," said the llama. "I'm one of the clones."

"Why are you spying on me?" said Stan.

"Victor wanted to find out what secret experiments you're doing here, and steal your ideas. He read your PhD thesis and he knows you wouldn't just quit working on research and run a cheap tourist trap."

"He's wrong. I've retired from research," said Stan.

"You're lying," said the llama. "I've discovered the entrance to your secret lab, behind the vending machine."

"That's just a storage room," said Stan.

"We'll see, once they get the property back from you and search it," said the llama.

"They can't do that! I pay my mortgage," said Stan.

"Now that I've gotten a good close look at you, I see you're not like your old pictures. Your chin is different," said the llama. "I think you're an impostor. They'll get the property back and put you in jail for impersonation."

"You know too much," said Stan, going for his gun.

"Hold it," said the llama. "I'm close enough to this kid to kick him before you can draw that gun. I'm strong enough to smash his head in."

"So it's a South American stand-off," said Stan.

"Yep. I can hold you off until Preston comes to get my report. I'll tell him everything."

"Curse you!" said Stan.

"You're not going to stop me, pal. Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-..."

Gompers charged, butting the llama from behind. The llama was caught off guard, lost his balance, and fell.

Stan put the gun to its head. "Goodbye, llama spy!"

He pulled the trigger.

The sound woke Soos. "Uh, what was that?

"Nothing," said Stan. "Go back to sleep, Soos."

Soos did.

Gompers/Dundgren was pleased. "A friend of my enemy is my enemy," he thought. "Getting him killed is a blow against Bill Cipher. Now I'll be able to communicate with Soos and write him messages. I'd better not do that with Stan, since he might think I'm another spy and shoot me.

"I'll make sure they are warned against Baa – I mean Bill. My thinking is being muddled by this primitive goat brain! I've got to hold on and never touch that burgundy fez... Baa... Burgundy... Baa!"

* * *

"Your honor, it was an accident. I was cleaning my gun and it went off. I didn't know it was loaded," said Stan.

"Cleaning a gun near your llama's head?" asked Judge Judith.

"Llama fur has natural oils that are good for gun metal," said Stan.

"That's a ridiculous story. I find you guilty of first-degree llamacide. You'll have to pay a fine of five hundred dollars."

"Please don't make me pay a fine, your honor," said Stan. "I'll never do it again."

"Six hundred dollars," said the judge. "For backtalk."

* * *

Victor Northwest wore a white tuxedo as he worked on his latest experiments at Northwest Mudflaps. He pressed a button and a vat of cloning chemicals emptied itself into the river that flowed from the factory towards Sprott's Farm and Petting Zoo.

His son walked up, a deep frown on his face.

"The plan to spy on Stanford Pines didn't work, father," said Preston Northwest. "That fool of a llama got himself killed before he obtained any useful information."

"Stanford was too clever for us. An intelligent llama is too suspicious, I suppose," said Victor Northwest. "I have fixed that: our next clone looks completely human."

"At least we found out one thing," said Preston. "Bill Cipher is on the move with his plans to establish a brave new world order. He transformed someone into a goat."

"That's progress indeed," said Victor. "Are you sure that worshiping him will be of benefit to the family?"

"I'm sure," said Preston. "He told me in a dream that I'm one of the chosen elite who will rise when he takes power. I just need to do a few favors for him. Your new human-llama clone will help, taking a role for his Wheel."

"Her Pavlov bell training is almost complete. Soon you can take her home and raise her as a perfectly obedient daughter," said Victor.

"Good," said Preston. "Priscilla didn't want to bear children and lose her girlish figure, but this way we will have an heir to carry on the family tradition."

He went over to the playpen on the side of the room and looked down at the child.

"She will never fail us, unlike her llama clone brother," said Preston. "Our little llama, Pacifica."

The End


End file.
